A relationship is built on clear communication, mutual respect, and shared growth. One tool my wife and I have relied on to ensure this, right from the start of our 11-year journey, is something we’ve dubbed the Relationship Meeting.

Sure, the term ‘meeting’ might not set your heart racing with excitement, but bear with me. This purposeful space we create together has helped us address the unspoken, the ignored, and the avoided in our relationship, making room for the raw, vulnerable, and profoundly real aspects of our life together.

The Relationship Meeting is a mosaic of wisdom from various workshops, trials, and errors. Some ideas are our own; others are borrowed. But the origins matter less than the practice, which is why I’m sharing it here.

It’s supported us in the early days to speak to those difficult topics, conflicting ideas and values and different ways of doing things. We discovered that the usual passive agressive approach to communication of nagging throughout the week mostly dissipated as anything that wasn’t working could be bought to the relationship meeting. We also deepened in trust and communication ablity which has served our relationship well.

Remember, we call it a relationship, not a love-ship, for a reason. A genuine relationship is one where quality communication takes center stage, not drama or control. At its zenith, a relationship is a fertile ground for the growth of both individuals involved and, indirectly, those around them.

Our meeting format is designed to hone our communication skills, allowing each person’s needs to be heard and addressed respectfully. This practice encourages a nurturing balance of autonomy and connection, fostering safety, intimacy, respect, presence, and clarity. It also helps nip harmful tendencies like co-dependency, passive aggression, and avoidance in the bud.

Here’s the relationship meeting format we follow:

1. Choose a comfortable and private location, away from any digital disturbances.
2. Make it a priority by scheduling it at a fixed time each week.
3. Decide who will share first.
4. Set a timer for the check-ins, ideally between 5-15 minutes.
5. Each person takes turns to check in.
6. Speaker can make requests, but limit them to a couple per session and remember they are requests, not demands.
7. The listener should listen attentively and without interruption during the check-ins.
8. When the speaker has finished the listener says thank you
9. Now swap and repeat for the other person
10. Discuss the points that arise during the check-ins.
11. Conclude the meeting formally.

These are the agreements we keep throughout:

• Expect a certain degree of messiness, and embrace it as a part of the learning process.
• Intend to take 100% responsibility for 50% of the relationship and for your actions. Let go of the other half.
• Be as kind to yourself and your partner as possible.
• Be brave in speaking to the ‘white elephants’ as early as possible (those topics you and/or your partner avoid)
• Practice assertive communication. Share your feelings and experiences without assigning blame.
• Speak to the facts as much as possible when speaking to the impact of something your partner does. For example “When you leave the washing up the impact on me is a feeling of annoyance and a perception that you don’t respect me”
• Avoid blame and projection statements such as “you are always leaving the washing up which pisses me off. You’re just being selfish”
• The focus should be on finding solutions, not dwelling on problems.
• Agree on a ‘safety’ word for when emotions escalate. You can walk away at this point but the person who uses the safety word should be the one to return and initiate a calm reconnecting conversation.

The Relationship Meeting is not a cure-all, but it has certainly been a powerful tool in the evolution of our relationship. We’ve found that by making the time to really see, hear, and understand each other, we can turn every challenge into an opportunity for deeper connection and mutual growth.

Interested to explore more? I work with so many people on their relationship issues. Contact me to find out more